Clamp charity muggers

It's impossible to walk around Dublin without being approached by eager young things trying to guilt-trip you into giving worthy organisations all your bank details. These charity muggers – or "chuggers" – are arguably making the world a better place, by press-ganging members of the public into diverting their money away from Brown Thomas and towards good causes. However, as paid professionals, the chuggers take a cut, and their incessant insistence can be extremely tiresome. Favourite chugger haunts include Henry St, The Bank of Ireland on College Green, and junction of Grafton Street and Wicklow Street. As a result, these locales have become virtual no-go areas for the congenitally greedy, or – as they now prefer to be known – "the charitably challenged".

Something must be done. True to their "radical or redundant" philosophy, the PDs are the only party to have addressed the problem directly, although some have criticised their proposal of death by lethal injection as overly Draconian. I believe that a more humane solution would be to clamp chuggers who refuse to move from a particular area. An aggressive clamping policy would discourage most of them from staying in one place, and it would make those who do considerably easier to circumnavigate. As an added bonus, all clamping fines would be paid directly to Oxfam.

Introduce Japanese-style Love Hotels… with an Irish twist

Why not boost tourism, and improve our birth rate, by borrowing an idea from another proud island nation? The Japanese have made the most of their high house prices, cramped living space and weird, adolescent culture. The country which gave the world sushi, samurais and vending machines which dispense freshly worn schoolgirls’ knickers, has also come up with “Love Hotels” (a.k.a. "sardine tins for shagging").

The idea is simple: a hotel designed specifically to facilitate couples who are stuck for somewhere to have sex. Rooms can be rented by the quarter-hour, and range from the cheap and cheerful to the deluxe and bizarre. Bored lovers can choose from a range of themed costumes and rooms: Stone Age, Renaissance or science fiction.

Here in Dublin, we would of course cater for the English stag and hen market. Preliminary research suggests that over 90% of this demographic will choose rooms based on the themes of either “Firemen and Nurses” or “Cowboys and Sluts”. However the biggest potential growth market is American and European tourists who want to experience the naughty side of Irish culture and history. Curious visitors could book rooms honouring famous Irish couples: Robert Emmet and Sarah Curran (the Failed Rising Suite); Bishop Eamon Casey and Annie Murphy (The Isn't the Hypocrisy Suite); or Charles J. Haughey and Terry Keane (The Sweetie Suite).

To ease the stress of frustrated commuters, the Hotel would be obliged to provide park-and-ride facilities. And in honour of one of our greatest characters and patriots, Dublin's first Love Hotel should be named "The John Charles McQuaid".

Promote blue skies thinking on transport.

Work on the Dublin Metro hasn't even begun, and experts predict it will be at least another two years before the project goes vastly over-budget. In the meantime, we need to come up with some radical alternatives to beat the traffic.

• Offer free in-line skates to all commuters and encourage ‘skitching’

‘Skitching’ (presumably a hybrid word combining ‘skating’ and ‘hitching’) involves grabbing on to the back of a moving vehicle while wearing roller-skates. Cynics will point out that, in Dublin, you would be faster skating to work – even with the potholes – than holding on to the back of a car which is stuck in traffic. But skitching offers the best of both worlds. Grab onto cars while they're moving, when they stop in traffic, skate through the jam and then grab onto the next vehicle. Environmentally-friendly and good exercise.

• Attach zip lines to the spire

With the best will in the world, skitching after a hard day's work would be pretty exhausting. A series of high-durability cables should be attached to the Spire and grounded in various Dublin suburbs. Thrill-seeking commuters could then climb to the roof of surrounding buildings and travel home by flying fox (a pulley, with handles and a seat). “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It's Brian from accounts.”

• Unlock the true potential of the canals

Dublin's canals are long-established transport arteries. But in modern times it has been assumed that the high concentration of locks makes them unsuitable for commuter transport. What chronic lack of vision. The key to unlocking the lock problem is to think outside the box.

Instead of opening and closing locks continuously (an admittedly time-consuming process), a series of passenger ferries could run continuously from lock to lock, each on its own stretch of canal. Essentially, the locks would function as stops/stations where passengers could either dismount or continue their journey (on another ferry) on the next section of canal. Integrated ticketing is expected to be phased in no later than 15 years after the service begins.

The truly radical element of this plan is the environmentally friendly way in which the ferries would be fuelled. Traditional wind power would be supplemented by hydroelectric generators attached to the canals’ weirs. On busy weekends, specially trained teams of swans and dolphins would be harnessed to haul locked revellers from lock to lock, rescuing them if necessary.

• Introduce Pedalos on the Liffey

Why has no one thought of this before?